Dramatic Monologue

[There is an old, tatty stained sofa in the background with a similarly stained pillow draped in a thin blanket. In the foreground is a small wooden table with a faded Nescafe jar containing a few copper coins, a stack of papers to the side. Underneath the dusty window stands a rusty radiator. Dangling above the table is an exposed light bulb. Stanley is sat on a wooden stool behind the table, with his back to a wall twiddling with a 2p coin.]

I did used to work y’know? I wasn’t a leech of society I am now.

[Flips 2p coin in the air and catches it]

It was nothing important, unless you can count binning gone off food and mopping up toilets for 16 hours a week important.

Not that I complained, I was thankful. Chucking rancid milk for a living? If you can call this living.

[Flips coin again]

I earned barely enough to keep me head above water. Rent in this part of town wasn’t too much, enough so that someone like me could afford a roof o’er me head. I can’t say I was happy with me situation but it could’ve definitely could have been worse. I had the bare essentials, roof, clothes, food and heating.

[He motions with his head towards the radiator opposite.]

I did a good job, I was a good employee. I was earning a crumb above the minimum wage, but at least I was earning something. I’m telling you, its all about who you know.

I’ve seen it happen to others. You slip up once, it’s no big deal. Twice? Suddenly ‘your service are no longer required’. Basically someone the manager knows needs a job and you’ve given them an excuse.

I mean, it was going in the bin anyway, I didn’t think it be a problem.

You’d think getting another job would be easier than getting your first job.

[Flips coin]

Nope.

[Catches coin, leans forward]

Nowhere will have me; my former manager won’t give a reference. Says ‘there’s no point’, says ‘a thief like me would be lucky’. They’ve always had it in for me. It’s funny, in a way it was them who drove me to it.

[Deposits coin into jar]

The ironic thing is I’m getting more now than I was when I was working. [Slight Chuckle] I can see why people wouldn’t work when you can make a living doing nothing. And the people like former me have to pay for it! All if have to do is leave the flat every week to deposit the cheque.

[Hacking cough]

                   

Been getting tired recently, I don’t know why.

Introduction To Me

Ethan Guppy – Series Review

After 16 series, the slice of life series ‘Ethan Guppy’ aired its final episode in April 2014 after plummeting ratings and viewer numbers caused the higher ups on Channel 4 to can the show, quoted saying ‘Well it just got boring in the end’. With the death of this titan we take a look at the last 16 years of Ethan Guppy.

The series’ first aired in May 1998, to get great expectations. Following the life of new young Bristolian Ethan Guppy, the series promised a brutally honest view of a lad growing up in modern day England.  However to the dismay of viewers, the first 4 seasons were arguably some of the worst TV ever broadcast in the Northern Hemisphere. Many complaints about the series were that for the first few seasons the main character, Ethan, never actually spoke, just a bunch of sounds as he crawled about his daily business, sleeping and defecating. There was no character development, little meaningful character interaction with only a few characters ever actually being present at all.

It wasn’t until the show entered its 12^th season that the show really came into its own, rewarding the loyal fans who had stuck around for 12 years of crap TV. Tonnes of new characters with varying importance to the series, all of whom our protagonist hated to some extent or another. Perhaps one of the greatest things about Ethan was his bitterness and cynicism in situations, seeing as how the main character and Sod’s Law have a great running relationship, as well as having relationships with some classmates whose hostility rivalled that of North Korea and the Western world.

It seems during these seasons the producers realised the untapped potential of the series, leading it down a more mature, blunt and crude direction. Once the series moved post-watershed midway into the 13^th season, the series peaked when its mid-season finale beat out the greatly anticipated Great British Bake Off final in October 2011, much to the dismay of host Paul Hollywood who (allegedly) said ‘What the f… is wrong with this country’. The increasing popularity of the series lead to guest appearance from Greg Wallace, when the main character runs into him in a kebab shop in Brislington village.

One of the greatest appeals of the series over its 16 year course was the variety of scenery that our protagonist visited, going as far afield as South East Asia and Devon, to exotic locales such as Indonesia, Thailand and Barnstaple. Although Ethan planned to go further both West, South and East, to the promising lands of Swindon, Nottingham and Mexico, the show has been axed before his dreams of being a globetrotter could be realised.

Ultimately, it was the lack of creativity in the series that lead to its untimely demise, as the show began to become too repetitive with the main character repeating the daily motions for the best part of 3 seasons as the main character settled into the routine of college. This was the final nail in coffin as viewers feared another 12 years of mind numbing boredom and left in the biggest mass exodus in TV since The Bill. It’s been a good 16 years of top television but this is the end for the series as there is a snowballs chance in hell that it will ever comeback.

4/10. Will binge watch when unemployed.

My Idiolect

My Idiolect

Do you have a favourite filler word that you use?

I use mostly sounds such as ‘uh’ and ‘um’ or a simple pause as I think.

Do you have special words for Good and Bad?

Good = ‘Alright’. Bad = ‘Bollocks’ & ‘Awful’ as well as other expletives.

Are there any words or phrases you avoid?

Words I hate hearing include words ‘YOLO’ and ‘Swag’, ‘YOLO’ has unfortunately worked its way into my vocabulary after using it too many times in an ironic way. Phrases I hate hearing include phrases like ‘Banter’d off’.

What is your favourite expletive and when would you take care not to swear?

I swear too often than is socially accepted, if I had to say my favourite word would 

have to be ‘shit’ as it can be used in multiple contexts and instances and still make sense. I would take care not to swear around young children.

Are there any words that you have trouble pronouncing?

Other than foreign words, I don’t really have any problems pronouncing words.

How do you answer the phone?

When answering the phone I just my normal voice.

Do you have any particular habits in conversation?

During conversation I usually just nod and make sounds like ‘mmm’, or if something is being explained to me I follow with ‘OK’.

How would you describe your voice?

My voice medium pitch with a feint west country accent.